The search for the seven buck beer

I'm not sure what it is about Perth that makes me want to ride my mean machine.



The classy portrait photo above was taken four years ago on the attractively named Rottnest Island.

The moody and atmospheric snap below was captured next to the Swan River with Perth's CBD magnificently captured in the back ground. Almost as though an after thought. That this photo was posed for must come as some surprise to the uninitiated.



No doubt, dear readers you will be pondering why it is that Perth brings out the body beautiful side of me. Well I'll tell you what it is and it's got nothing to do with getting in some seriously needed shape ahead of my wedding next month. It's because the bikes are free and it is fucking expensive here.

Ever since I left home I've refrained from complaining too much about the cost of living in Australia. But since arriving in this mineral rich outpost where it's rumoured even the kitchen hands and toilet cleaners in the nearby mining areas get upwards of $90,000 per year I've been gobsmacked by the prices.

I first noticed it at the airport when I arrived in Auckland. I toyed with the idea of buying a bottle of Cloudy Bay wine. But when I checked the price I realised it was actually cheaper to buy it in England than in the country it was produced.

Three days later I arrived in Sydney and looked at the prices of a bottle of Wolfblass and it was exactly the same. I still can't work out exactly how this is but it wasn't long before I noticed just how much money I was spending on basic stuff like tickets on public transport, pub lunches and an evening beer.

Now for me, the start of a holiday is when money is plentiful and budgeting a good few weeks of extravagance away. But things have changed on this side of the world and therefore so have my spending habits.

Australia has so many natural resources that not only has their economy escaped the recession that has affected the rest of the Western world but it has actually grown. And nowhere is this more noticeable than in the exchange rate. Four years ago the mighty pound would command $2.20 but now it just scrapes $1.50 and if you take into account inflation parts of Australia are now more expensive than London. And nowhere is this more noticeable than in the motorway service station of Australia, Perth.

The reasons for describing it as an M1 petrol stop are varied. It's stuck out in the middle of nowhere, you need to travel hundreds of miles through desolate & nondescript terrain to reach it, it's deserted on an evening, nobody lives in it and therefore it's a little bit soulless and you've got no choice but to pay an overblown going rate. Of all the places I visited in Australia in 2006, Perth was my least favourite. Nothing I've seen on my return has changed that view. Here's a couple of examples why.

I went to the local Barmy Army pub on my first night in town and ordered two pints of beer. I handed over a twenty and got one dollar back. That's over £6 a pint. Eek. A can of coke costs about £2.50, a bottle of water at the hotel, £7 and when I put my clothing into the laundry I noticed it cost me £3 per pair of boxers. Or the equivalent to a half a pint. Beer or clean pants? That's not a choice any man should have to make.

While it really is a wonder that Australians can read. In South Africa I made the mistake of bringing too many books along. Which made packing my bags on the way home a challenging task. This trip I made the mistake of not packing enough. I only brought two skinny cricket books which were soon hoovered up.

Last Saturday was to be my only chance of visiting the beach and on the way I popped into a bookstore to buy something new to read. I looked at the new releases and came close to fainting to see they were going for $39. Or £25 in proper money. Twentyfive quid for a book?

So early nights and beer abstention have been the order of the day here. Which is a shame as I'm here for two weeks! Although the arrival of the big boss, Goughie, Irani and Brazil has meant a few free meals out.

It also meant that Matt Smith and I took advantage of the free bike service at our hotel. We did a 12k circuit that took in a healthy portion of the Swan River, a couple of bridges and the WACA cricket ground. And looking back at the photos of that trip and my visit to the beach makes me realise that this remote city does still have plenty going for it. Jellyfish, for instance.



Or the daily seagull fly by that every visitor to Cottesloe Beach receives.







Or the knowledge that in these parts seagulls can scratch themselves while flying.



While it appears that beautiful weather and city views aren't only the preserve of the other big four Australian cities.



And if I get bored by that I can always retire to my hotel swimming pool.



I suppose in reflection Perth isn't that bad. It's no Tooting Broadway but hey, not every town can boast a lido, a pub called 'Gordon Bennett's' and a local mad woman called Nicky Nora. And I suppose one of the reasons I don't have many positive memories of the place is because England lost the Ashes here last time around. Tomorrow morning we get the chance to win them. If so it will be the first time in history that we'll win it before Christmas. I'd buy that for a dollar. Even at these rates.