Travelling tittle-tattle, tall tales and shameless name-dropping by Jon ‘Don’t Call Me’ Norman

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London, United Kingdom

Wednesday 30 April 2008

Caught on Kamara

I don’t want to tempt fate but if Fulham do manage to escape relegation this season then this small plot of land in South East England will forever remain in my heart.

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Fulham went up to Manchester City five points off safety with three games to go. You don’t need to be Rain Man to work out that things looked bleak. With just one win away from home in eighteen months, and that being the last time we played away, the family Norman had long since resigned themselves to resignation.

I’ve been working almost non-stop since getting back from New Zealand. But I had Saturday off and had agreed to take Fe to Guildford for an audition for a musical theatre course. And I was pleasantly surprised when I got there to find the nice canal above to relax next to.

I was expecting to have to wait around for a couple of hours at least and so armed with a newspaper, a bottle of water and a transistor radio I waited for Fe to finish her audition by sun bathing next to the water.

An hour into my wait and the game and Fulham were relegated. Two-nil down and with other results going against us I spoke to my dad on the phone. ‘Chat later when we’re in the Championship’ I said as I hung up, before turning the radio back on.

Of my family I was the only one listening. My parents were tootling around the house ignoring the updates. My brother was regressing back to his youth by spending a sunny afternoon locked away in a room role-playing with Calum while Lucy was entertaining my cousin.

Which left me, sitting peacefully, listening to talkSPORT’s coverage of the match on my own. All around me families were picnicking, women pushing buggies, dogs swimming in the water and pensioners enjoying the sun. And then with twenty minutes to go Fulham scored.

At that point there was still nothing to suggest the goal was anything but a consolation. Fulham had been on the back foot for much of the game and sure enough Man City had a couple of chances to score before *PENALTY!*

At the time the commentators had crossed to the game at Birmingham where our relegation rivals had previously been 2-0 up against Liverpool. But seconds after hearing news that Liverpool had pulled level it now appeared Fulham had a penalty kick and a chance to do the same thing.

And after having his first kick saved Danny Murphy converted to send those present wild and leading me to jump up off the bench I was sitting on sending my radio flying and crashing onto the ground in the process.

Throughout the game I’d been receiving texts from Tom in Australia who’d got back from a party to watch the match. But I hadn’t heard anything since our first goal and nothing again here. So I called him and woke him from his whiskey induced sleep before tuning back into the commentary.

A draw was still not good enough for Fulham or Man City who needed a win to keep in touch with hopes of a European place. And this led to both teams forsaking defence in favour of wanton attack.

The last five minutes were ridiculous. I was far too tense to remain seated and so found myself pacing up and down by the banks of the canal (again see above). The commentary team were in hysterics as time after time Man City failed to take the chances their forwards and our defenders presented them. It truly was a game for the neutrals I thought as I heard the howls of frustration from the home fans in the background.

Part of me was happy that we’d pulled it back to 2-2 but I knew it wasn’t going to be enough. And I felt like I was going to have a heart attack every time Man City went forward. We hadn’t come back from two goals down away from home in years. It couldn’t happen.

But then it did.



If this is how Paul Merson reacted I would love to know what I looked like. If I could buy the CCTV footage from Guildford Council I would. Because I went absolutely mental. Fists pumping in the air, yelling out, jumping around. I must have looked like one crazy fucker. I could see people looking at me and I didn’t care. ‘Fuham are still alive’ I shouted at one bloke who turned to his wife and said ‘I think something must have happened in the football’. He was right. Oh yeah!!!!!



Several wild and wide-eyed phonecalls to various members of the family ensued. I’ve never sworn more to my mum in my life. She in turn has never sworn so much in her life as she recounted the story to my sister.

I also tried to call Tom back but his phone wasn’t working. I later found out that his screaming had woken up his whole apartment block and he’d managed to smash his phone in the process of celebrating. But he did manage to leave this message on my phone which pretty much sums up all the above in four words. (Press download and turn the volume on your computer UP!)



All of which means Fulham go into our game on Saturday with Birmingham still in with a chance of a ridiculously great escape. A win there and we really could be within touching distance of safety.

So only time will tell whether Guildford will remain close to mine and Fe’s hearts (she’s still waiting to hear whether she got a recall). But I doubt whether those who walked past my one man goal celebration antics will ever forget where they were that day.

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